Tag Archives: Memoirs

My Sexual Resurgence

Continued from My Resolve…

In my tenacity to abruptly shake off the fetters of the old me and whatever bound me to my previous lifestyle, I had become one who flirted with debauchery at every turn. I was lured by, what I would liken to be, the beautiful side of evil and felt rescued and reaffirmed by it. I had become the very person I had in the past loathed and judged. I would’ve been the first to cast a stone before stepping into my new shoes, that coincidentally, fit so well. I had traded in my debilitating world for a new, exciting, titillating emergence, plunging me into self and ideological examination.
During my examination of self, I realized my actions were a direct result of my weakness; my desire for that of which I had always been awash in and grown accustomed to; attention. Especially from the opposite sex, which resonated acceptance and desire to my soul, transliterated as love. I let loose of all morals and inhibitions to grasp hold of any ounce of this ‘love’. I so yearned for this love, this attention, feeling starved and deprived as one thirsty for water. I found vinegar, thus further parched and dehydrated I was on a quest to quench this never ending thirst. It seemed my thirst was insatiable though because every ounce I got, whether water or vinegar, I required more like a drug addict’s increasing capacity in order to acquire the anticipated high.
My social interactions had been nothing more than a sexual outlet and a means of distraction from the stresses pertaining to a contested divorce. It wasn’t healthy, yet it seemed to be keeping me sane, with my head above the water. My world had closed in all around me, yet I had found a temporary escape, a fulfillment of sorts. My mind was being renewed and old patterns and ideas were in effect disintegrating and decaying in the presence of my enlightenment. I didn’t need to be imprisoned to feel self worth or accomplishment, that only stifled my creative nature and prospects seemed to scatter in my previous position. At the same time, my said ‘weakness’ was becoming increasingly detrimental to my renewed state. It would have to be cast off as well, in due time…

“My social interactions had been nothing more than a sexual outlet and a means of distraction…My world had closed in all around me, yet I had found a temporary escape, a fulfillment of sorts…”

My secret rendezvous didn’t discriminate based on marital status. I couldn’t see past my selfish fulfillment and bulldozed my way through the night. I had become somewhat despicable in nature, taking little into consideration past my next outing or social interaction. I became absorbed with meeting and interacting with others, so much so that it was only natural that my next tool would become dating services and social networking sites readily available through the internet. I registered with many different dating sites, not in the hopes to find a date but rather to interact and communicate my loneliness and desire for friendship with others. To explore the world I had been shut away from. Like a kid in a candy store was I, and it tasted very sweet.

“My secret rendezvous didn’t discriminate based on marital status. I couldn’t see past my selfish fulfillment and bulldozed my way through the night. I had become somewhat despicable in nature, taking little into consideration past my next outing or social interaction.”

I had managed to attain enough attention from the male population to keep my msn and email continuously alerting me of new conversations from multiple admirers from all my various dating accounts. This enforced my belief that I could move on and was truly desirable regardless of my being a parent and marital status. Nobody seemed to give it a second thought that I was, in fact, still married. It never occurred to me that my marital situation might be a deterrent. I ‘virtually’ encountered men from all arenas, all walks of life both young and old. I must admit, I was even flattered at the news of my children’s friend’s older brothers having crushes on me. Whether 15 or 30, it just felt good being desired at an age when most women become undesirable. It fed my ego just enough to lift my head and see beyond my next footstep.

Life became something limitless and I foresaw no obstacle but my own imagined walls. I ceased waiting for life to come to me and I instead grabbed the bull by the horns in sheer determination to do something, be somebody and exercise my hidden talents bubbling within me.

To Be Continued…

Memoirs of A Desperate Housewife: My Resolve

Why did I marry? That is the question I so often hear, not only from myself, but from others who are as perplexed as I am. What possible reason was enough for me to give up everything my future could’ve held. Of course I had a choice, but did I make the wrong choice? Was it just the pheromones embrace? I have pondered that question, among others for many years. I am no closer to an answer now as when the haunting question arose within my tattered mind. It was a decision I naturally took to heart and spent a great deal of time, energy, prayers and tears deciding. So why the eventual despairingly lonesome state?

It was from this rock bottom emotional state, that I made a decision to break free from my lonely prison, which was what I had come to view my life within the walls of my marriage as, I felt as free as a bird just learning to spread it’s wings and fly. I had made yet another heart felt decision, this time a dash in the opposite direction of my gradual emotional and mental decay. I had openly embrace the big monster divorce. It was liberating and at the same time frightening. I had lost so much of myself during my marriage that I wasn’t sure who I was, probably more frightening was that I didn’t know who I wanted to be. I felt a sense of urgency as one been cooped up for many years and finally set free, having an overwhelming feeling to take action and move onward with my life, shaking off my stagnant existence.

“It was from this rock bottom emotional state, that I made a decision to break free from my lonely prison, which was what I had come to view my life within the walls of my marriage as, I felt as free as a bird just learning to spread it’s wings and fly.”

In my case, hope was the only option. Considering I had survived an inward desolation for sometime, and hadn’t deployed into the dark abyss that results from a total loss of a saving grace. I choose to move onward and upward and thus allowed opportunity to envelope my existence. It was at the moment that I embraced my circumstances, not as a consequence, but as a catalyst and lesson, that set forth my awakening, my emancipation, my resolve. It was I who created the illusion of marital bliss, and it was I who refused to let go of the imagery of exalted weakness in our sufferings. Thus, I was perpetually surviving rather than thriving. In essence, my house of cards was bound to fall. So it did, and mighty was it’s fall, but during it’s fall, I was lifted up.

It is at our lowest points in life where our hearts seem to be open and alert to our surroundings and can either emit a sense of hope or hopelessness. Suffering, when embraced, has a way of bringing you to your absolute lowest at which point it proceeds to bring you to your absolute best. Dwelling on your supposed failures and shortcomings do nothing to propel you into a furtherance of existence and higher state of being. Taking this fact to heart, I enthusiastically thrust myself into social outings of informal and formal gatherings. Upon doing so I met people of similar circumstances, although placed there by different situations. This deliberate social distraction proved to benefit me by influencing and restructuring my sense of self and well being. Not to say that there weren’t any negative aspects to this new found freedom. On the contrary, there were many, but they all served there own purpose in the renewal of my mind and spirit.

“It is at our lowest points in life where our hearts seem to be open and alert to our surroundings and can either emit a sense of hope or hopelessness.”

One such aspect came with the resurgence of my sexuality, no holds bar….

To Be Continued….