Tag Archives: love

If Together We Couldn’t Reside

Why is it so hard to let go?

Why does it hurt so?

I’m left speechless

Without care

Numb and apparently silent

While inside everything is noisy

And flying

Whereto did my joy take flight

Whereto did my emotions race

I stare with dull eyes

That before shone bright

I’ve been through seasons of rain

Much pain

But this is darkest night

A complete desolation

Nothing lingers but a tight aching chest

It was love that brought me here

It is love that shall bring me rest

Even in your silence

I feel you still care

Even when I don’t hear you

I see you there

I don’t know why the Universe brought our energies to collide

If together we couldnt reside

Copyright © 2015 Niazmina

You’re Still The One

I know I bring up things you’ve done wrong, but the truth is, it’s only to disturb you and eat your brain. You’re still one of the best things that ever happened to me. Even after all the tears, all the pain. You don’t need to ask questions you already know, I still feel the same. Just not in the same way. Like, now I never believe what you say. I just assume that you’re lying and don’t expect the truth. I’m grateful to the Universe for the experience of you. I am a different person because of you. I met you at a broken time and you became my growth. There can be no joy without pain, no sun without rain, no stars without darkness. I know this. If we look at how things happened,  we will understand it was all for our benefit; our betterment. I can look at our years with a smile and wave them a friendly goodbye, knowing that they don’t just die, but new years will come by. A new you, a new me. A new us, a new we. So we can stop stressing ourselves finally over how things went wrong, and continue on our way, steadfast and strong. Our story will live on.

Kabul: Home Is Where The Heart Is

As I stare outside my Kabul hotel room at 630 am, I see the morning traffic has just begun. Vehicles pass few and far between, then the bicycles..until there’s a steady flow just a half an hour later. The mountains, an everlasting spectacle, seem unimpressed by the monotonous goings on below them. Standing majestic I can see the snow peaks to my left, Kabul mountain in front of me with homes etched within. I feel at home in this land, not like a stranger. Reminds me that home is not a place, but a feeling. Where I rest my head. Where my heart is. Home is where my story begins..

“Why did you invite me here?”
“Because I love you”.
With those words my defenses crumbled, but my heart still stung from the blows of your earlier confession. Why were you opening up now? No matter your reasons for not telling me before, nothing added up, nothing made sense. Now everything seemed so bitter sweet.

I don’t believe one can ever fully comprehend the energies at work within our hearts, minds and the battles they fight. I knew why I had traveled to Afghanistan, and had been longing to come. I knew exactly why I was there, but when heart and mind are involved in a struggle, things become discombobulated.
My heart continued to sink into a pit of despair as I was left questioning my own intelligence. How is it possible that something unseen can make you feel so deeply? How is it that your sweet words of adoration attempted to revive me afterwards, but failed. Your words stood little chance and quickly succumbed to the weight of my mind’s skepticism. The risk I took to meet you seemed fruitless at this point. Everything mixed with love becomes more complicated. All is fair in love and war, and our love was no exception. The truth was, I had ultimately betrayed you as well, and in such ways you may never know. “Why am I here?” , my mind echoed like a drum beat within a mountain valley.  The answer was found within my heart and my walls relented and soon crumbled, as we embraced in a silent pact to never again speak of the past again.

It’s just past 1pm as my driver sends a text letting me know he has arrived and is waiting. As I leave my suite I’m aware of familiar smiles and greetings as the friendly cleaning staff, alerted by my room departure, vacate their nearby staff room to attend to mine. I’m just as curious about the young boys as they are about me, but I don’t let it show. At times, when I’m present during their room sweep, I catch their curious glances and grins. As I smile in return, we all become aware of the many words left unspoken, being barricaded by tongues of different mothers.  Nevertheless, throughout the ages, language barriers couldn’t prevent eyes from intermingling, sending hidden invitations to engage in different forms of interaction. This, so I’ve been told, is how the sexes here make secret arrangements to meet and engage in (what this society perceives as) morally corrupt practices, of a physical nature.

The night brought little sleep as my stomach proclaimed the invasion of an unfriendly parasite. Loose motion for hours, but I can’t complain,  I have evaded the persistent pain that usually accompanies such stomach infections. I am pleased with myself for bringing Wormwood and Black Walnut tonics to aid in the fight against this unwelcome invasion. I have been drinking them frequently hoping to effectively stunt the parasite infection. Time will tell.
My stomach bubbles and surprisingly grumbles with hunger, but under the circumstances, I opt for a no food approach.. for the time being.
Waiting has never been my forte…
Where are you? My question has once again arisen like deja vu as I await his arrival to my suite. As I sit, I wonder if my shirt is appropriate or not. It doesn’t quite cover my bottom and is slightly see through with it’s yellow cotton and elegant embroidery. I don’t feel comfortable in traditional Afghan clothing, so I was excited when he told me I could wear jeans to the restaurant last evening. Made me feel that much more relaxed.

It’s another day, 8am is early for room cleaning, but who am I to say. As I open the door, my curious eyes are greeted by no less curious stares. I am greeted with “Hi, Good Morning” as I allow their entrance to my already tidy suite. Fresh towels are a welcome. The testosterone in the air is hard to bare and the silence between us, deafening. I try not to make eye contact but find it hard as one of the boys goes out of his way to draw near to me, finding items in close proximity to dust or arrange. I find it sweet and reward them with my smiling glances. One of the boys seems concerned that the other lad’s behavior may be a disturbance, as he stood idly nearby he made attempts to draw the other boy’s attention. Truth be told, I looked forward to seeing them and was a little disappointed when they had days off. They lifted my spirits for the time being and I sensed they felt the same way. We had forged some sort of connection, not knowing one another’s name. So much so, that on the day of check out I looked for them to say goodbye. As fate would have it, they were not around. Who likes goodbyes anyway? Perhaps we shall meet again, in this life or another.

Today was a holiday, Navruz the Persian New Year. I was taken up to where many families and youth were flying kites and enjoying rides. It was a a mountain gathering of fun and festivities, but I was to remain in the vehicle. I grew accustomed to this, it was armored after all, and was a barrier from the multitude of stares and cameras. Even from within the vehicle I was the center of the attention on most drives. How Afghans can spot a foreigner so well is quite impressive. Then again, they’ve been bombarded by foreigners and invaders for long enough to gain this, perhaps… adaptive trait?

“Everyone passing is looking at her”, my friend’s cousin sitting in the back seat mentioned. We in the front had also noticed the craziness of the situation and started laughing in unison. My friend who was driving commented, “This has never happened before with other foreigners, I don’t know why, it’s you..I had told you that you’re beautiful.” That was it. Apparently I was a phenomenon.

Copyright 2015 Niazmina

10 Bedroom Turn Ons For Men And Women Alike: Are You Satisfied?

I’ve heard all the confusion and assumption mainly coming from men, in regards to what women want in the bedroom. What I realized after hearing from various men, is that there are many similarities when it comes to what turns men and women on. Let’s get past the fact that men are highly visual, and understand that many women are as well. Men and women are more similar sexually then we may think. Firstly, I am going to start off slowly and then go with the flow. A little foreplay before the show. Things may get a little explicit but I’m sure all my readers can handle it and may even be anticipating it. When it comes to love making, let’s not be shy.

Good Hygiene

Ladies and gentlemen, I understand that not all things can be controlled in this world, but common courtesy demands that you put in at least the bare minimum of an effort into this practice. Good hygiene says a lot about a person, not to mention their desire and respect for their partner. Take a shower (preferably once a day), use some form of deodorant, there’s no excuses nowadays with all of the natural  options available. Brush and floss your teeth, nobody wants to eat leftovers of your last meal courtesy of your teeth.

Kempt Pubes

To shave or not to shave; that is the question. Well whatever your prefer in regards to shaving, waxing, laser hair removal; most will agree that at least trimming of the pubic area is a turn on. Afterall, not too many would be gung ho about performing oral sex on untamed tresses surrounding (and perhaps hiding) their partner’s genitals. Keeping no or barely there hair can also help regulate odor. Unless you’re having sex in a cave out in the cold, there’s no need for the pubic fur coat. Keep you’re ‘down there’ well groomed, whether it’s bald or not isn’t really an issue.

Massage

I don’t know of one person who doesn’t appreciate a good massage. There are many sensitive spots on both the male and female body which can stimulate sensuality and release pressure. This aspect of foreplay has a wide range of health benefits, including stress release, encourages relaxation, improves circulation (allowing blood flow to your sexual organs), relaxes muscles, increases flexibility and range in motion (perfect for your Kama Sutra position attempts). Massage is an engaging way to display affection for one another and allow for an open exchange of touch and love, creating an atmosphere of trust where each feels safe to explore, perhaps even venture into previously uncharted territory. Ask your partner if they would like a massage and forget about reciprocation for the time being, let it be about them.

Wrestling

‘Love play’ is a huge turn on in and out of the bedroom. Play fighting is afterall what boys grew up doing, why not invite your girl into your world? Chances are she will have had experience in this department, if not growing up then somewhere along the line, so don’t be afraid of giving her a shock and awe experience (which might not be a bad thing..). Ladies, if he’s not the instigator in a little playful, rough and rugged game, what’s stopping you? Bedroom games proceeding actual love making can lead to increased affection for one another and definitely get things a little more lively and wild. Men like to conquer and women love to be conquered, so take ’em down and build your empires, I say!

Cuddling

Cuddling can be great on it’s own without concern for things going further. Some of the most fulfilling moments between a couple can be experienced through simple cuddling. It’s intimacy at it’s core. Cuddling is known to promote the release of oxytocin, also known as the ‘love hormone’, a chemical that helps release stress and improves mood. It’s a wonderful way to express your love and affection, and may or may not lead to eventual love making, but who cares? Both men and women benefit from this closeness and it builds a bond of trust between two people. This affectionate act can transfer positive healing energy and has become such a popular practice that there are many cuddle services where you can receive professional cuddling.

Pleasure oriented foreplay

Image © 2015 Niazmina
Image © 2015 Niazmina

This is a definite must. If one party is in it merely for their own pleasure, there’s little to no point in continuing the session. Pleasure in the sac (pun…yeah, that’s intended) depends on the preview before the show. Get those juices flowing, yo! Guys, do you really want to throw yourself at a dry Slip n’ Slide? Girls, remember, it’s the squeaky wheel that get’s the grease! If your man is attempting a quickie and you’re sugar wall ain’t callin’, don’t be the silent one in an all out thrashing. As far as foreplay goes, I’ve found that many of the same things arouse both sexes:

Kissing

Some may argue that kissing is number one. The fantastic thing about kissing is there’s little to no ground that can’t be covered. In this sense, a kiss isn’t just a kiss, but a tremendous sensual experience for both to enjoy. It brings a closeness that few other actions can compare. The art of kissing may take some practice for some, but it’s benefits will definitely pay off and pave the way to a whole new world of sexual gratification. Both men and women take pleasure in lip kissing, and why not throw in a little (or a lot) of tongue for the French Kiss. Neck kissing is a nipple-hardening-stimulating-all-of-one’s-senses kind of kiss to get you knockin’ the boots, or rather knock those boots right off. Speaking of nipples, yeah, those are always a pleasure point. X marks the spot, incorporate some light nibbling and pinching and your partner could be 99% on their way to full climax.

Mutual Masturbation

Yes, I said it and there’s really such thing. Does anybody disagree? Get both of your somatic sensory systems receiving stimulation and thus communicating with your brains the ultimate feeling of ecstasy. Get rubbin’ to increase the lovin’, take the ragging bull by the horns and get into it! Men, get your fingers into the mix and experience the female ‘waterfall’ as she ejaculates in intense pleasure. Not all females have squirted but their vagina may not be to blame, it takes practice and a certain ‘Je ne sais quoi’ from their male counterpart. The art of female ejaculation can lead to intense pleasure for both, when done correctly and with appropriate consideration. No female wants a man’s fist in her vagina and when done too roughly, can have the opposite effect and lead to vaginal dryness. Start with one and then two fingers and make sure those nails are trimmed and clean!

Sex Talk

 Not everyone is sexually verbal, but sex talk is something that can be a tremendous turn on, especially when done simultaneously with other actions such as mutual masturbation. Try telling your partner in descriptive and provocative tones, how you have imagined them during the day, and all the things you fantasized about. Don’t simply mention what you desire for them to do to you, but give them a naughty taste of exactly what you’d love to (and plan to) do to them. Nothing knocks the socks off a lover more than the sensual words of passion from one closest to them, seeking to conquer and devour them like the resurrection of Alexander The Great. This verbal seduction can rebuild an empire left in ruins.

Oral Sex

Very well could be the best kind of ‘kissing’ for couples. What do you mean you don’t go down? It may not be something everybody desires, but can be a great intimate way to draw closeness between couples and spice up the relationship. Some find immense pleasure in the act of giving pleasure, oral sex being one method. Either done at the same time as ‘the 69’ or ‘le soixante-neuf’ or not, it’s extremely exciting for both sexes to have their lover kiss, lick and suck on their most special place, and men don’t forsake the glorious and very sensitive clitoris! It’s a fantastic way to arouse your partner, get a womans sexual juices flowing, and achieve orgasm even in those who otherwise find it difficult to achieve purely by intercourse. Many women find themselves having multiple orgasms and cumming during oral sex (‘cunnilingus’ performed on women) easier than penetration. Likewise, where a man is having difficulty achieving erection, during oral sex (‘fellatio’ performed on men) the sucking sensation can solve the issue. There have been studies done which found semen to contain anti depressant chemicals such as spermatozoa, cortisol, which is known to increase affection, estrone, and oxytocin which elevates mood, thyrotropin-releasing hormone (another antidepressant), melatonin (a sleep-inducing agent), and even serotonin (perhaps the best-known antidepressant neurotransmitter) according to MedIndia. Apart from the apparent health benefits of oral sex, don’t get overwhelmed by the thought of having an unfamiliar taste in your mouth, or for women, having a man cum in your mouth with the expectation of you swallowing. Communicate your limits and never do anything that you’re uncomfortable with.

Copyright © 2015 Niazmina

It Was You I Had To Lose

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Image ©
2015 Niazmina

It used to be love
Respect
And companionship

Now it’s hate
Disrespect
And all that shit

What happened to love letters
All the emails
And all that sext

I miss how it used to be
Respect for you
Respect for me
Leaves me asking
What’s next?

Endless devotion
Hearts full of emotion

We said I love you
And really meant it
All our passion
We really dreamt it

Too much interference
No trust to intercept
Referee called Time Out
You wouldn’t acknowledge
Continued to shout

I saw the writing on the wall
Turned to walk
You decided to crawl
Beg and stalk

You refused to acknowledge the signs
Which to me were clear
We had to let go
We had to say goodbye
Tell our souls not to cry

Meeting you wasn’t by chance
Leaving was due to circumstance

There was no option for me
No matter how hard you beg and plea
Being a side is no life for me
This is something you chose not to see

I deserve more
Than the life of a whore
A life of little respect
I had to put my life in check

If its really love you feel for me
Why would you want that for me
Why would that be OK
For my happiness to rot away

I took myself for granted
Had to get my feet firmly planted
Had to say “No more of this I choose”
It was you I had to lose.

Copyright © 2015 Niazmina

Never Stop Wooing: 10 Things A Woman Wants In A Relationship

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Image © 2015 Niazmina

What do women want and need in a relationship? Is there really an easy answer, I mean, women all differ along with their desires and needs.

In my quest to find answers, I soon found out that the very subject is a major area of turn on for men, around the globe. It unequivocally incites excitement at the mere thought of feasting the ears upon the hidden mysteries of woman. This goes to show that the desire and passion to understand women is definitely not lacking, so where does it go when played out in reality? Men don’t seem to be getting any closer to understanding the opposite sex as when this question first arose. Despite the many articles and opinionated friends in their face, ready and willing to offer their help and suggestions, the majority of men remain stumped.

Well men, I found that regardless of the woman, there are some basic wants and needs for all of our diverse complexities. No need to look any further, here’s some time saving tips for this timeless question.

Never Stop Wooing

Definition of wooing:

  1. To seek the affection of (someone, especially a woman) with the intent to marry or begin a romantic relationship.

In layman terms, never stop doing the things you did to get her, even after you’ve got her. If she was worth it then, she’s worth it now. Dinners, movies, compliments, texting…or even better, sexting. Don’t let the flame burn out when it’s just as easy to keep it going with some simple attention.

Affirmation and Praise “Make me feel/ like I’m the only girl in the world…” 

All women and girls alike, want to feel special and unique. Irreplaceable. We don’t want to be made to feel as if we are run-of-the-mill, plain and simple. We want to be viewed as uncommon, extraordinary, standing out from all the rest. Give us the encouragement to be all that we can be, and the praise to make it worth it. Words of affirmation and praise such as ” I love you” “Good morning beautiful” can not only build up her self confidence, which will enhance your intimate relations, but is also expressing your devotion and desire at no cost to you; the benefits are priceless.

Loyalty and Commitment ..Why window shop
When you own this..”

Women want loyalty. No matter how many you may have loved before us, we want to know that while you are with us you’re with just us. It doesn’t mean that you should let your hands and mouth do the talking while your eyes do some walking. If you’ve got some wondering eyes, it’s fair to say that your devotion to the relationship is questionable. Respect and devotion go hand in hand and you’re not being respectful in heart when your eyes are devouring every beautiful passerby. There’s a difference between visual recognition and optical consumption..

If you’re having trouble in this area, perhaps it’s time to have a heart to heart and let her know how you’re feeling. Letting someone down easy is much better than possibly cheating, lying and causing further heartbreak. If you’re not fully in, get fully out.

Security In Officiality “..You gotta give me, give me all of your heart
I wanna be your, be your official girl, official girl..”

There’s a sense of security in exclusivity, if you want to keep her, make it official. This is time to show and prove your love, your faithfulness.

..”You gotta love me in the light and the dark..” Is she a hidden romance? A secret in your unkempt closet? If so, it’s time to shed some light on your heart’s desire, if it is truly that.. make necessary introductions to friends, and family if the conditions are right. Where there’s hesitation in this area, commitment is also questionable.

Time and Attention No one is really busy, it all depends on what number you are on their priority list.”

“If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs. “Busy” is another word for “asshole.” “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating. You deserve a fcking phone call.”
Greg Behrendt

Sound familiar guys? Don’t be an asshole. Don’t confuse, and don’t neglect time and attention. They are two very separate entities, albeit, under one umbrella…an umbrella much needed during the storms of love. You cannot get to know a person, in all fairness, without time and attention. You spend your time with them, giving your attention; paying attention. This isn’t just a want but a need. When either of these essentials are lacking, the relationship soon suffers. Yes, people get busy but there’s always enough hours in a day for a text message, a phone call or another form of ” Hey, I’m thinking of you.” If this feels like a chore to you, it’s a sure sign that your relationship has been dumped into the dirty laundry pile.. only attended to when necessary for your needs. A woman should always feel like a priority, not just an option.

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Image © 2015 Niazmina

Space “It’s not hot, that you be callin’ me
Stressin’ me, pagin’ my beeper
You’re just non stop, and it’s not hot
That you be leavin’ me messages every 10 minutes..

And then you stop by…”

Now, with time and attention comes space. Nobody appreciates suffocation. There are two ends of the spectrum and moderation is key. Don’t be a ‘bug-a-boo’. Prove she’s a priority without suffocation. Girls need space; alone time. Don’t take it personal. I’ve heard guys complaining about how women have unexplainable mood swings that can never be understood. Well, chances are it’s a good time to give us some space to sort out our emotions, unless there’s something we’d like to discuss and sort out with your help.

Affection, Sex and Intimacy “I want somebody to walk up behind me
And kiss me on my neck and breathe on my neck”

Yes. We need, enjoy and want it to. Physical expression of love is an important part of any relationship. Give us the love, cuddles and kisses we desire and deserve. Although affection isn’t One Size Fits All, and some people aren’t as affectionate as others, this area should never be neglected in love. Set aside time each day for some form of touch, be it ever so slightly, don’t delay.

Honesty  “To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.”
George MacDonald

To be trusted is worth it’s weight in gold. Women need to feel that they can trust a man and be secure in that belief by a man’s honest words and actions. A woman won’t, and can’t, fully commit to a man whom she feels is dishonest, and she subsequently can’t trust. Simply, don’t lie. She will most likely find out anyway.

Communication  Take advantage of every opportunity to practice your communication skills so that when important occasions arise, you will have the gift, the style, the sharpness, the clarity, and the emotions to affect other people.Jim Rohn

Communicate, communicate, communicate, for when she is silent, be sure that there’s trouble brewing or that she has ceased to care. If you’ve both stopped talking, you both best start now, or start walking. When a woman has something to say, she wants to know that you’re regarding and value her words. Be an attentive ear to hear, not just lips of service.

Gifts  ” ..three wise men came bearing gifts..”

It’s the thought that counts.. isn’t always the case. Let the thought remain in thinking of what to purchase her, and then acting upon that. The purpose here is not to aide you in the appropriate gift to give, but to remind you of it’s importance throughout the relationship not just early on. Gifts are a great way to express your appreciation and thoughts towards her. The gift doesn’t always need to be bank breaking, or on the same token, always practical and less-expensive, or necessarily be something tangible, but should be a consistent method of expressing her importance in your life. A bouquet of flowers, a specially made dinner for two, making time for her when you ordinarily wouldn’t, or a couples shopping day at her favorite boutique, are sure ways to make her feel important and valuable. Don’t forget, one of the greatest gifts you can give someone is your time and attention; undivided.

© 2015 Niazmina

The Do’s And Dont’s: Preparation In The Face of Separation and Divorce

The subject of divorce is a contentious one, and there are no real instruction manuals or classes to prepare us for the seemingly downward spiral of our lives, and emotions. Granted, none of us (well, there may be some..) walk down the aisle, say ‘I do’, sign the papers all in anticipation of a subsequent divorce. Yet, statistics show that nearly 1 in 2 first time marriages end in divorce before reaching their 10th year, also known as the ‘seven year itch’. Although there has been found to be a divorce decline, it has much to do with the fact that many couples are opting not to marry at all. People change, their needs, wants and desires change. People grow apart. People fall out of love and become unhappy. This is life, it happens. Not all the time, but it happens. With these findings, shouldn’t we at least discuss ways to make the possible transition between happily married to happily divorced, as pleasant and as smooth as possible?

Have a prenuptial agreement or strive for a separation agreement after the fact.

When I was younger I was of another opinion than I am now regarding prenuptials. If any of you are like I was, you might be thinking, how callous. Why on earth would a couple anticipating a lifetime together, forge such an agreement, isn’t that a bad omen or curse upon a marriage? The answer is simple. No. Isn’t it for the rich or greedy? Once again, the answer is no. The very fact that I am writing this and you’re reading is because separation and divorce are a fact of life. Why not be prepared when everyone’s on their best behavior for the chance they may sink into their worst behavior? In other cultures a female is given a dowry for such an occasion. Once divorce is on the horizon, it may be less than easy to garner any sort of agreement from your soon to be ex. Better to be safe than sorry, I say.  Being proactive never hurts while the opposite can. If you have an amicable separation or divorce and your partner and you are able to have a sit down whilst writing up an agreement, the more power to you each, literally. You are already a step ahead of the notoriously ugly game.

When on the receiving end, respect the other’s resolve. 

Now, we’ve all heard the saying ‘ When a woman’s fed up, there ain’t nothing you can do about it’ or another famous quote ‘ Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned’.  This is not to say that woman are the only ones embracing divorce, au contraire mon frere. Regardless of who’s come to the decision ( perhaps it’s a mutual decision), the same adage applies. This may be a huge and hard pill to swallow, but it’s an important one for the general atmosphere and health of all involved, especially if that includes children. The decision to end a marriage is a hard one to make and there are many factors involved. Try to put aside your emotions enough so things can be discussed and plans set in motion, including a separation agreement, especially vital when children are involved, as their best interests will become the focus of divorce proceedings, rather than you and your spouse. Sometimes separation is just what a couple needs. A sort of ‘time out’ where individuals can take a breather, examine themselves, their lives and their direction. Decide if things are worth fighting for ( maybe the battle has already been fought and lost) or if things are too far gone to ever be in a healthy flourishing state.

Refrain from blame, anger and spite. Do not let detrimental emotions take the reigns.

Serving divorce papers and requesting cooperation with a separation agreement can be daunting for one as being served the divorce papers is for the other spouse. It’s of utmost importance that detrimental emotions are held at bay during these times. To become irate, abusive, accusative, and uncooperative, is to be your own enemy in such a case. It doesn’t help you one iota, and leaves all even further emotionally, mentally and eventually physically depleted. Remember, you once loved the person you’re now at odds with. You once shared a common ground. Try to establish mutual acceptance in order to keep proceedings from becoming antagonistic as possible, and as long as there are lawyers, children and money involved, it is almost certain to become somewhat he said she said in nature. Mutual acceptance and respect is a must in these situations. There are far too many cases of spouses being arrested on various charges, whether on false pretenses or not, all could be avoided had one or the other refrained from acting or speaking while in a negative state of mind. Unrestrained detrimental emotions, subsequently lead to adverse actions and reactions. Cause and effect. Keep level headed.

When children are involved, be physically and emotionally present as much as possible, even when your mind seems absent.

Unless there’s a restraining order keeping you from your children, it’s important to continue to be physically present in their lives, even though your mind and emotions may likely feel absent or numb. Most people are aware that children are like sponges, soaking up the good and bad alike. They feel deeply, see and understand far more than we may like to acknowledge, and their spirits can be crushed very easily. Separation and divorce, at times, seems to leave adults feeling as though they are the only ones involved and therefore the only ones affected, the only victims. On the contrary, children and other family members are left taking blows along with their loved ones. It’s traumatic for everyone as we are all connected, and children are more directly affected, being in the same household typically of one or both parents. Be reassuring towards your children in words AND actions. Continue with usual routines, outings, movie nights, game nights etc. Now isn’t the time to forsake activities that will draw your family unit together, especially when it may seem so many forces are now at play dividing it. If you have restricted access with your children, do whatever is in your power legally, to be a positive influence in their life, regardless of the barriers. Always keep in mind, when war is being waged, it brings about many casualties. Collateral Damage can be lessened, if not avoided completely depending upon your actions.

Do not speak ill of the other spouse in the presence of your children.

Be mature and rational. Try not to allow your vision as a human being and parent become blurred into an angry abyss. You still have responsibilities, considerations and a reputation to maintain (if it’s not already too tarnished at this point). Slander and defamation of character should never be on your ‘ To Do’ list. This seems like a given to most of us, but during times of emotional duress, many are surprised at what they are capable of. Keep your wits about you. Remember, when speaking ill or behaving in an ill manner towards the other spouse, your children will suffer while seeing their parents suffer. Children represent 50% of each parents chromosomes. They feel the blows, deeply and personally. Don’t be foolish. Don’t make them suffer more by using them as tools against the other spouse.

Do not stalk, harass, or threaten your spouse (ex partner).

I hear the loud ‘duhs’ in the back of your heads and I understand, BUT, if these behaviors weren’t so prevalent I wouldn’t need to mention them. However, given the fact that many soon to be divorcees end up in the sitting cell at some point, I shall continue with my advice. It may seem tempting to check up on your ex partner to resolve any lingering suspicions that may be overruling your mind, but this could prove to be a mistake if that partner happens to press charges or your seemingly innocent spying gets out of hand and turns into something malicious. Let bygones be bygones or leave it to the professional private ‘eyes’ investigators if you have real concerns for yourself or your children, or feel there’s information to be extracted that would be beneficial in your court proceedings.

Set aside time for yourself.

You are very likely feeling as if on an emotional rollercoaster, and for some it has been a never ending ride for some time now. Setting aside time for yourself to unwind, focus, meditate, relax, renew your energy is of vital importance. Prolonged stress can adversely affect the body, stressing and wearing out the adrenal glands causing what’s known as Adrenal Fatigue. This, among a myriad other health issues directly related to stress and trauma, are reasons to release negative emotions in a positive and constructive manner. Meditation, prayer, yoga,  and exercise in general are great methods of refocusing your body’s energies into positive alignment, amidst the chaos and disorder separation and divorce can threaten to overtake you with.

Socialize. Become a butterfly.

For some people, getting out for whatever reason during any sort of break up, is the last thing on their mind. While for others, there’s no stopping them, they crave the excitement, the high, the new found freedom and adventure. Whatever the case may be, for many of us, getting out and socializing is not only healthy, it’s sine qua non for our overall well being. We as humans need social interactions to some degree, or we become somewhat hermitic in nature. Get out of the house, have guests over, host a party, attend another’s party, get a babysitter if required, call a family member to take care of the children, go on a short excursion, let your hair down, feel alive and breathe…you will be OK and you’re not alone in your experience.

Keep a journal. Document the negative and the positive aspects of your experience.

This can prove to be an asset if your separation and divorce lead to sticky court proceedings that may or may not involve custody issues. Keeping a journal for any reason is a fantastic method of release, and an easy way to gather your thoughts in a mentally and emotionally tumultuous time. Keep track of everything. Meetings with your spouse, meetings with your children, conversations, issues, concerns, breakthroughs, set backs, highs, lows. Writing can be therapeutic and when all is said and done it will be a testimony of your strength and endurance, because you will endure. You will be OK. Life goes on. There is life after love.