In my tenacity to abruptly shake off the fetters of the old me and whatever bound me to my previous lifestyle, I had become one who flirted with debauchery at every turn. I was lured by, what I would liken to be, the beautiful side of evil and felt rescued and reaffirmed by it. I had become the very person I had in the past loathed and judged. I would’ve been the first to cast a stone before stepping into my new shoes, that coincidentally, fit so well. I had traded in my debilitating world for a new, exciting, titillating emergence, plunging me into self and ideological examination.
During my examination of self, I realized my actions were a direct result of my weakness; my desire for that of which I had always been awash in and grown accustomed to; attention. Especially from the opposite sex, which resonated acceptance and desire to my soul, transliterated as love. I let loose of all morals and inhibitions to grasp hold of any ounce of this ‘love’. I so yearned for this love, this attention, feeling starved and deprived as one thirsty for water. I found vinegar, thus further parched and dehydrated I was on a quest to quench this never ending thirst. It seemed my thirst was insatiable though because every ounce I got, whether water or vinegar, I required more like a drug addict’s increasing capacity in order to acquire the anticipated high.
My social interactions had been nothing more than a sexual outlet and a means of distraction from the stresses pertaining to a contested divorce. It wasn’t healthy, yet it seemed to be keeping me sane, with my head above the water. My world had closed in all around me, yet I had found a temporary escape, a fulfillment of sorts. My mind was being renewed and old patterns and ideas were in effect disintegrating and decaying in the presence of my enlightenment. I didn’t need to be imprisoned to feel self worth or accomplishment, that only stifled my creative nature and prospects seemed to scatter in my previous position. At the same time, my said ‘weakness’ was becoming increasingly detrimental to my renewed state. It would have to be cast off as well, in due time…
“My social interactions had been nothing more than a sexual outlet and a means of distraction…My world had closed in all around me, yet I had found a temporary escape, a fulfillment of sorts…”
My secret rendezvous didn’t discriminate based on marital status. I couldn’t see past my selfish fulfillment and bulldozed my way through the night. I had become somewhat despicable in nature, taking little into consideration past my next outing or social interaction. I became absorbed with meeting and interacting with others, so much so that it was only natural that my next tool would become dating services and social networking sites readily available through the internet. I registered with many different dating sites, not in the hopes to find a date but rather to interact and communicate my loneliness and desire for friendship with others. To explore the world I had been shut away from. Like a kid in a candy store was I, and it tasted very sweet.
“My secret rendezvous didn’t discriminate based on marital status. I couldn’t see past my selfish fulfillment and bulldozed my way through the night. I had become somewhat despicable in nature, taking little into consideration past my next outing or social interaction.”
I had managed to attain enough attention from the male population to keep my msn and email continuously alerting me of new conversations from multiple admirers from all my various dating accounts. This enforced my belief that I could move on and was truly desirable regardless of my being a parent and marital status. Nobody seemed to give it a second thought that I was, in fact, still married. It never occurred to me that my marital situation might be a deterrent. I ‘virtually’ encountered men from all arenas, all walks of life both young and old. I must admit, I was even flattered at the news of my children’s friend’s older brothers having crushes on me. Whether 15 or 30, it just felt good being desired at an age when most women become undesirable. It fed my ego just enough to lift my head and see beyond my next footstep.
Life became something limitless and I foresaw no obstacle but my own imagined walls. I ceased waiting for life to come to me and I instead grabbed the bull by the horns in sheer determination to do something, be somebody and exercise my hidden talents bubbling within me.