I know I bring up things you’ve done wrong, but the truth is, it’s only to disturb you and eat your brain. You’re still one of the best things that ever happened to me. Even after all the tears, all the pain. You don’t need to ask questions you already know, I still feel the same. Just not in the same way. Like, now I never believe what you say. I just assume that you’re lying and don’t expect the truth. I’m grateful to the Universe for the experience of you. I am a different person because of you. I met you at a broken time and you became my growth. There can be no joy without pain, no sun without rain, no stars without darkness. I know this. If we look at how things happened, we will understand it was all for our benefit; our betterment. I can look at our years with a smile and wave them a friendly goodbye, knowing that they don’t just die, but new years will come by. A new you, a new me. A new us, a new we. So we can stop stressing ourselves finally over how things went wrong, and continue on our way, steadfast and strong. Our story will live on.
What has this society come to when bullying is considered a serious matter and unjustifiable; unless you’re a child’s mother.
Parents should for the most part, stay uninvolved in petty disputes between their child other children, unless it’s escalating and there’s cause for concern. Even at this point, there’s a right and a wrong way to approach the situation. Approaching a child all with your emotions exploding, irate, screaming and threatening them is never an ideal method of confrontation. If you’re truly concerned about an issue between children, the first thing to keep in mind is that you’re an example of proper etiquette, whether you realize it or not. What separates you from the child’s behavior is that you’re an adult who should have accumulated and sharpened some communication and conflict resolution skills over your years.
Remember that perspective is everything, what your child has relayed to you about a specific incident, is coming from a child’s perspective, one that can be biased based on children’s natural tendency to see the world with themselves in the center. Children aren’t experienced enough to necessarily distinguish between what they’re understanding from a situation and what someone else may understand, heck, most adults can barely make the distinction.
Reality is subjective, yet, during conflict resolution you must aim to be objective and keep any emotions wanting to flare up.. at bay. Otherwise, are you not acting as the child in whose character you’ve just found fault in?
Tearing a strip off a child and/or that child’s parent is not an example anybody should set. Approach your battles with dignity, class and respect. Before that, choose wisely as to whether this particular battle is worthy of being fought.
Name calling, swearing and threatening a child and/or their parents is also and obviously not an example to set. This is not how anybody should conduct themselves for any reason, especially when you’re reason for being upset is because of your own belief that they were mistreating your child.
CASE IN POINT
I’ve had obnoxious and highly volatile womEn (yes, more than one at a time) confront my child at a water park recently over a water fight.
Apparently one child was being tagged by water guns from various boys, and didn’t appreciate it. One of the boys was my son with his two friends. My son and two other boys told me they had “got in trouble” for spraying some kid who was playing in the water..(this itself is amusing..) I then got up from my nearby blanket on the grass to overlook the situation. No sooner had I approached the water section, some hijab donning woman honed in on my son, walked up angrily to him standing with his two buddies, and proceeded to tear a strip off of him. I immediately made my presence known and firmly asked what the problem was. The woman was stunned and took a few steps back in silence as I approached her position. As she, in a more calmly manner, explained that the boys had been squirting another child and been involved in some water tagging, I also calmly addressed the boys and advised them to plan their attacks on willing participants only. This is when it was taken to another level as another woman came from the depths of the water park abyss, like a whale out of hell, and screamed at the boys “Stay away from my kids!” Blah blah blah …at which point my son pointed me out and said, “My mom is right there”. By this time I was already tired of the situation being blown out of proportion, and I walked up to her as she aggressively ranted about the boys supposed wrongdoing, I explained to her that I understood what the complaint was and again mentioned to the boys that they were not to squirt other children who don’t wish to participate in a water fight. Just then, another (ahhh…woman?) bikini clad, over-weight, tatted, breast and nipple exhibitionist showed up, like a troll from under a bridge. This (woman?) was, as it turns out, the mother of some children which had been sprayed and was livid (obnoxious, ratchet, immature…etc.) and laid into the boys regardless of her friend telling her that I was one of the boy’s mother and after I had told her that I had dealt with it. She screamed at them and threatened them that she would call the police if they squirted her child again. Just unnecessary, ratchet behavior and obscenities coming from a woman who was lambasting young boys for spraying water at a water park! The boys and I were in complete shock by this gong show, and after failed attempts to calm their spewing mouths, we turned to walk away. They’d be damned if that were going to happen though! These women were in for the kill as they followed me continuing their bullying attack. I said, “You are taking this too far. They were shooting water, not bullets, just leave it, it’s been dealt with. It’s over, finished.” The anger emanating from these two was astonishing. They were quite literally in my face screaming with rage, at which point one of the woman quite proudly let it be known that ” I’m a Social Worker, and we take kids away from people like you! Where were you this whole time!? You weren’t anywhere near!” I stood there in amazement at her statement and confirmed with her in disbelief, ” You’re a Social Worker!?..now that’s scary!” ” Yes, I am.. and your statement about them not shooting bullets but water, I’m sorry but that sort of behavior leads to bullets, and bullets lead to death.”
What fantastical nonsense!!
Parents, if you’re going to get involved in your children’s lives to the point where you’re fighting or creating battles for them, disputes, drama and chaos, perhaps it’s an appropriate call for you to have a ‘time out’. A little class, as in gracefulness, goes a long way, and effective communication is key, especially in times of conflict. Many times I have done and said nothing in a dispute involving my children, so as not to stunt my child’s development and personal growth. Unfortunately, children need to face, at times, unpleasant situations with their peers, as a part of their transition into adolescence and eventually, adulthood. These experiences help to mold them and teach them; along with our guidance as parents on appropriate methods of anger management, conflict resolution, ethical conduct and respectful and non intimidating and non threatening communication. We as parents don’t need to pounce upon every issue that arises, rather we should watch and instruct when necessary in order to build them as individuals, not tear them down (including other people’s children) because of their lack of life experience and wisdom.
“There’s no way to approach anything in an objective way. We’re completely subjective; our view of the world is completely controlled by who we are as human beings, as men or women, by our age, our history, our profession, by the state of the world.” ~Charlie Kaufman
“The faculty to think objectively is reason; the emotional attitude behind reason is that of humility. To be objective, to use one’s reason, is possible only if one has achieved an attitude of humility, if one has emerged from the dreams of omniscience and omnipotence which one has as a child. Love, being dependent on the relative absence of narcissism, requires the development of humility, objectivity and reason.
I must try to see the difference between my picture of a person and his behavior, as it is narcissistically distorted, and the person’s reality as it exists regardless of my interests, needs and fears.”
― Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving
“Imagine a wall that’s green on one side and red on the other. You stand on one side and only see green. I stand on the other side and only see red. We’ll both be right about the color we see, even though we disagree on what color the wall is. Being able to realize that the other person has a valid point, even if you disagree with it, that’s maturity.”
― Oliver Gaspirtz
My daughter pipes up one evening, ” Mama, you need to start sending me to school with healthy snacks. My teacher said that my snack wasn’t healthy, and also the kid who sits next to me was telling me that my snack wasn’t healthy.”
What do you mean it wasn’t healthy? Simply because it wasn’t a fruit or vegetable?
“I told the kid that it was healthy and that it had cheese in it. She just said again that it wasn’t healthy, then my teacher also said it wasn’t healthy.”
“Every day at snack time the teacher says ” OK class, let’s see who has a healthy snack! Then whoever has a vegetable, the teachers says their name out happily that they had the healthy snack of the day.”
Everything I give you is healthy. Nothing I give you is unhealthy. This whole food inspection/food patrol isn’t your teachers role.
I then proceeded, in my infuriation, to fashion a note to the said teacher.
This Food Patrol is absurd!! I am disgusted, and must say, it’s gone on long enough.
From my first grade circle time, where teachers took it upon themselves to question each student as to what they had eaten the night before for dinner, to the year 2014 where snacks are being inspected and rated as either “healthy” or ” not healthy”, is shocking. It’s clearly not done out of concern, as I have yet to hear about bins of “healthy” snacks on hand for free doling whenever a child’s snack is deemed ” not healthy”.
So what is the purpose behind this ludicrous practice?
Here’s my concern with this food inspection/food patrol practice,
You are shaming the child by telling them that what they have put forth for ‘inspection’ isn’t good enough, and is actually “not healthy”. They have failed, in their minds.
The inspections are being done openly in front of other classmates, further adding to the embarrassment of the child.
The inspections in themselves aren’t “healthy”. They create an SS-Gestapo environment which isn’t conducive to a learning environment. Children are getting involved in the inspections and informing on their classmates. This is pruning children to become future corporate minions, looking for reward, praise and power.
Children are, in essence, being brainwashed into believing that their parents don’t know what’s best for them, the school institution/system on the other hand, does. This sets our children up for lifetime of servitude to the ‘system’ without question, because the system has their best interests as first priority.
Teachers need to stick to their roles as educators not government indoctrinating patrol officers.
There’s a fine line between teaching healthy eating habits, and en mass brainwashing and enforcement of something that is the sole responsibility of the parents. What comes next, force feeding?
Granted, there are instances where children aren’t eating healthily, so why not dole out some healthy goodies if you see the need, rather than shame the child? Why confuse children as to what’s considered healthy and not healthy, simply because what they brought for a snack wasn’t a fruit or vegetable?
I am one hundred percent against this food inspection/food patrol, needless to say, and that concludes my rant for the day.
The beauty of womanhood is boundless. Beyond daily mundane activities such as laundry, where our thoughts digress to the wonderment as to how a garment placed in the dryer right side out consistently comes out inside out. Or the everlasting question where could the matching sock have gone? We have within us an innate ability to survive and nurture. Typically the survival nature is combative and predatory where to nurture is something done in meekness. To possess both qualities is something rare and wonderful.
I found myself in the presence of not only adoring men but also some very influential women. As one who rarely attempted, gained or retained any close ties with women, this was a refreshing and uplifting experience. Women who are like-minded and non judgmental towards me are very scarce. Females always come across to me as threatened to some degree. It may very well be my aura and the highly sexual vibe others claim I ooze. I have never completely figured out why some, and yet not all, women feel this way. I do tend to magnetize towards testosterone and make no attempt to conceal who I am, nor do I put on appearances and cater to weaker insecure personalities. Nevertheless, the women I found myself in company with were perfectly suited to my whimsical, and sometimes erratic personality. I cared not what they thought of me, I was simply being me, and no one could stand in my way.
“The beauty of womanhood is boundless.”
One of these women happened to be one of my mother’s friends. We were introduced within weeks of her separation from her husband and subsequent filing for divorce. Coincidentally, this occurred in the same month I had filed for divorce. Both of our husbands were Fijian and we had both been with our husbands for 13 years, bearing beautiful children as our gifts. This friendship proved to be a strength to us both I believe. We saw eye to eye on most everything and were for the most part, inseparable. We would spend countless weekends together during our corresponding divorce proceedings, sharing our stories of long-suffering and final resolution. Hours filled with laughter, wine, vodka tonics, in the comfort of her abode or out on the town espousing characteristics of free women. Finding solace in the company of another, a lifeline was born.
“Nevertheless, the women I found myself in company with were perfectly suited to my whimsical, and sometimes erratic personality. I cared not what they thought of me, I was simply being me, and no one could stand in my way.”
This appeared in an unusual manner from what I had grown accustomed to, a woman of like mind rather than a man trying to gain a foot hold. It was refreshing and comforting to realize that I was capable of meeting and establishing long-lasting, meaningful relationships with my dreaded foe: the female species. According to my ex husband, any women friendly with me were lesbians, and all men were only wanting sex. This mentality astounded me and left me questioning all of my friendships at an attempt to gather proof and verification that he was wrong in his conclusion. Was it true that I had nothing to offer? Nothing to bring to the table as far as friendship went? Was I that dull and boring of a person that only my physical appearance could maintain any semblance of desirability? After all the years I had been married and told myself there was more to his determination to stay together, it all became painfully clear that he must be speaking from his own experience with me. If not, how could he be so sure in order to make such a stark statement? This realization cemented in my mind the execution of my break out and emancipation.
“It was refreshing and comforting to realize that I was capable of meeting and establishing long-lasting, meaningful relationships with my dreaded foe: the female species.”
Another such fated friendship came about in such perfect sequence that it had to have also been orchestrated. The Universe saw fit, and delivered. After having an unassisted home childbirth with my last child, I joined an online group on a one a popular social networking sites. It wasn’t long afterwards that I acquired a friend request from a young and attractive woman who was also a member of the group. I was fairly new to the whole idea of unassisted childbirth. Having only researched it for the months of my pregnancy, I was fascinated by the stories and experiences of other liberated women. I accepted the friend request, further sending a message of introduction and questions regarding her experience, and so forth. At the time, I was encountering trouble acquiring a birth certificate because of a bunch of red tape, and knowing of someone who had been through an unassisted childbirth yet managed to obtain the certificate for her child, was encouraging.
“Finding solace in the company of another, a lifeline was born.”
It wasn’t tense or uneasy meeting face to face for we both had a sense of destiny and excitement. Life had indeed delivered and our connection was instantaneous. Following this initial introductory meeting, we frequently got together either at my home or at some vibrant venue where we shared our lives and encouraged each other on our personal journeys. Our feelings of liberation were immense, opportunity limitless. Each time we connected our energy seemed to give off an electrical charge upon contact. Our vision was clearly outlined and expressed freely. Admiration and appreciation flowed and the outcome of our visits were always uplifted spirits.
“Our feelings of liberation were immense, opportunity limitless. Each time we connected our energy seemed to give off an electrical charge upon contact.”
At first glance you can’t always fathom the similarities you may have with another human being without further exploration. Once unearthed, these similarities can become the very stimulant necessary for your own personal development. By witnessing potential in another, you begin to search your own growth and direction and thus begin the blueprint for embarking on projects or personal improvement in whatever shapes or forms they may be. Epiphanies seemed to be imploding within our skulls. Ideas were playing themselves out in our very existence. Things out of our control and previous grasp and attention, due to our circumstantial life placement and lack of experience, were now permeating our existence. Now past and present occurrences displayed depth and reason, having their secrets previously locked away, we had caught a mere glimpse of greater workings.
Workings in our lives that couldn’t be explained as coincidence, chance or luck.